seperation

So I'm not sure if we're doing it, but it may be true. I may be single for the first time i a long time. I've been the only human in the house since last Thursday, and really alone since Monday. It's not so bad- although my house is just wayyy too big for just me. I had the idea earlier this weekend that I was not going to eat and not clean and not function but Milly really wouldnt let that happen. I had to take care of her, and if I didnt (like on Saturday night, I came home to 2 poops and pees all over her room, that i had to clean ASAP.) I'd have to literally live in a shit hole. And by Sunday night, I'd realized that I could be totally fine without Joshua. But then Monday- she's been gone, and I seriously have nothing to do while I'm at home. It's lonely and I really miss Milly (I miss Joshua too, but in a completely different way).
I really enjoyed taking care of her!! She provided me with he sort of companionship that no one has really given me. She was funny, happy and loving. I couldnt ever be mad at her long! Even if I tried. Losing her is what I imagine losing a child to be like.
You have nothing but love for this creature and all of a sudden they are ripped out of your life. You had so much hope for them, their futures, and all your responsibilities were serious. You were raising something. The pain from that separation is sharp.

Losing a lover- that pain is more selfish and much more complicated. Its sharp at first and then it dulls. The pain subsides and you are left just feeling shitty about yourself.

So, with the "fear" of losing Joshua and with the actual loss of Milly all happening in the same week. I feel liberated, alone, and cosmically fucked. I dont even know if "fear" is the correct word to describe what I was revolting against the whole weekend. I know I will be fine/successful/happy without him- I was sorta happy he was thinking about it so seriously. But then again- I was completely NOT okay with it and seriously upset about it. My left brain hates my right brain. I'm not cool with anything right now and just totally need to be taken away.